I remember, even as a child, being unable to do things - like practice the accordion - which I fundamentally did not want to do. I pushed on, for a time, then just never practiced. Day after day. Looking at your model, I'm wondering: did I have an inner self-protective system?
Part of our culture does. In my case, I had tried to please my father, by learning to play in instrument he wanted me to learn to play. In fact, I had pleased him. But I'm not a good long-term people pleaser.
I’m glad you’re not a good people-pleaser, Elsa. For your sake ❤️ -- so the world can have you as you’re created to be by Perfection, instead of what a broken person wants you to be.
You learned it before I did: I l realized only a couple years ago that people-pleasing only increases the madness in the world, because most of the time the demands people place on us to please them are themselves not rooted in reality very well.
That gives the neurotic among us (like me) permission from ourselves in good conscience to say “No”, but then comes learning to how to do it in such a way as to mitigate our losses, and to remain in our own standards of who we want to be as people (e.g. kind and respectful but true, and balancing helpful forthrightness with the appropriate discretion).
Thank you for not diminishing the true “you” so that someone else could build you into their imperfect image.
I wonder how this ties into psychedelic research. There's quite a few of them that are great in helping addicts kick their addiction.
Perhaps they close those dopamine pathways in order to help them sense reality without the need to satisfy the dopamine hits that their brain depended on.
I think where psychedlics come in is that it allows us to reconfigure and change the predictions our brains and nervous systems make from those based on past events.
I love the perspective of "giving up" as a way to surrender to our body's signals. Meditation I find is a healthy way of letting go, and coming back into baseline.
As an aside, recent research has shown that nerve signals sent to the perihabenular region you mention are hindered when wearing sunglasses, leading to mood changes such as depression:
Outstanding, thank you! Your post also reminds me of some work done by Susan David, best known for her book Emotional Agility. Your article strongly complements and expands on some quotes from David that I have as sticky notes on my desktop.
Please let me share three which I think reinforce neatly some of your insights.
1. Waiting too long to face up to the cold hard facts can cost you plenty as the doors to other opportunities continue to close. Sometimes the truly courageous thing is to say, “I just can’t do this to myself anymore.”
2. But there’s no shame — in fact there’s actually a lot of virtue — in making a logical, heartfelt choice. Instead of looking at these transitions as giving up, look at them as moving on.
3. You’re letting yourself evolve and grow along with your circumstances, choosing a new path that is full of possibility. That decision is filled with grace and dignity.
We're not giving up -- we are moving on. Evolving and growing. But sometimes first we need to let go, to stop obsessing.
One more David quote, if I may: "In truth, though, when we let go of that one thing, we are left with everything else. Clinging to that one small piece of emotional driftwood prevents us from feeling part of the dynamic system that is the universe itself."
Like several of the people commenting below, I was habituated to think that giving up on something was weak or wrong. But now I understand this: To cut your losses, you need to take your losses.
Accept the loss, take it, eat it, and move on. Otherwise, the longer I fight over X, the more I bleed while losing other and better opportunities. I still find this very challenging -- hence the notes from David on desktop, and my enjoyment in reading your deeper dive.
Thank you. I have not come across Susan David's work, so I will explore. "Cutting your losses" is a better and more nuanced term for this.... I wish I had thought of that.
The article covers the cases when this is wise "Therefore, dopamine suppressing nociceptin* neurons may be a biological mechanism designed to force humans and animals to cut losses as opposed to continuing fruitless attempts to go after a reward due to sunk costs. ‘Persistence in seeking uncertain rewards can be disadvantageous due to risky exposure to predators or from energy expenditure" Or perhaps modern society constantly takes us to breaking point, but simultaneously places in the position that we cannot simply “give up”, even when our energy is spent: highly stressful things like the unrewarding job, the commute to work, the toxic relationship.
Thanks for the clarification. Medically speaking you are of course correct, however, once the risk reward ratio is calculated, and a goal is visualized, I follow the Winston Churchill admonition to “Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in…”
I remember, even as a child, being unable to do things - like practice the accordion - which I fundamentally did not want to do. I pushed on, for a time, then just never practiced. Day after day. Looking at your model, I'm wondering: did I have an inner self-protective system?
Part of our culture does. In my case, I had tried to please my father, by learning to play in instrument he wanted me to learn to play. In fact, I had pleased him. But I'm not a good long-term people pleaser.
I’m glad you’re not a good people-pleaser, Elsa. For your sake ❤️ -- so the world can have you as you’re created to be by Perfection, instead of what a broken person wants you to be.
You learned it before I did: I l realized only a couple years ago that people-pleasing only increases the madness in the world, because most of the time the demands people place on us to please them are themselves not rooted in reality very well.
That gives the neurotic among us (like me) permission from ourselves in good conscience to say “No”, but then comes learning to how to do it in such a way as to mitigate our losses, and to remain in our own standards of who we want to be as people (e.g. kind and respectful but true, and balancing helpful forthrightness with the appropriate discretion).
Thank you for not diminishing the true “you” so that someone else could build you into their imperfect image.
Well said!
This perfectly describes what the past few years has felt like. Wanting to slow down but you know you can't.
Luckily there's been things I've come across that help me to keep going.
I wonder how this ties into psychedelic research. There's quite a few of them that are great in helping addicts kick their addiction.
Perhaps they close those dopamine pathways in order to help them sense reality without the need to satisfy the dopamine hits that their brain depended on.
I think where psychedlics come in is that it allows us to reconfigure and change the predictions our brains and nervous systems make from those based on past events.
I love the perspective of "giving up" as a way to surrender to our body's signals. Meditation I find is a healthy way of letting go, and coming back into baseline.
As an aside, recent research has shown that nerve signals sent to the perihabenular region you mention are hindered when wearing sunglasses, leading to mood changes such as depression:
https://romanshapoval.substack.com/i/109226400/is-depression-caused-by-sunglasses
Thank you. Will read the linked post with interest.
Thank you so much Gary for your support!
Outstanding, thank you! Your post also reminds me of some work done by Susan David, best known for her book Emotional Agility. Your article strongly complements and expands on some quotes from David that I have as sticky notes on my desktop.
Please let me share three which I think reinforce neatly some of your insights.
1. Waiting too long to face up to the cold hard facts can cost you plenty as the doors to other opportunities continue to close. Sometimes the truly courageous thing is to say, “I just can’t do this to myself anymore.”
2. But there’s no shame — in fact there’s actually a lot of virtue — in making a logical, heartfelt choice. Instead of looking at these transitions as giving up, look at them as moving on.
3. You’re letting yourself evolve and grow along with your circumstances, choosing a new path that is full of possibility. That decision is filled with grace and dignity.
We're not giving up -- we are moving on. Evolving and growing. But sometimes first we need to let go, to stop obsessing.
One more David quote, if I may: "In truth, though, when we let go of that one thing, we are left with everything else. Clinging to that one small piece of emotional driftwood prevents us from feeling part of the dynamic system that is the universe itself."
Like several of the people commenting below, I was habituated to think that giving up on something was weak or wrong. But now I understand this: To cut your losses, you need to take your losses.
Accept the loss, take it, eat it, and move on. Otherwise, the longer I fight over X, the more I bleed while losing other and better opportunities. I still find this very challenging -- hence the notes from David on desktop, and my enjoyment in reading your deeper dive.
Thank you. I have not come across Susan David's work, so I will explore. "Cutting your losses" is a better and more nuanced term for this.... I wish I had thought of that.
Gary, I read everything you write but do not always comment and I am concerned about the title of this essay, "The Wisdom in Giving Up".
I hope you do not mean that literally...
PS I admire and envy your PHd in engineering, the discipline, the intellect and the focus.
Upon on reflection, I have changed the title, to make it much clearer what it is about.
Yes, I like that… subtle and individual.
The article covers the cases when this is wise "Therefore, dopamine suppressing nociceptin* neurons may be a biological mechanism designed to force humans and animals to cut losses as opposed to continuing fruitless attempts to go after a reward due to sunk costs. ‘Persistence in seeking uncertain rewards can be disadvantageous due to risky exposure to predators or from energy expenditure" Or perhaps modern society constantly takes us to breaking point, but simultaneously places in the position that we cannot simply “give up”, even when our energy is spent: highly stressful things like the unrewarding job, the commute to work, the toxic relationship.
Thanks for the clarification. Medically speaking you are of course correct, however, once the risk reward ratio is calculated, and a goal is visualized, I follow the Winston Churchill admonition to “Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in…”
Truncated of course so I can make my point.
I need to ponder more on this...