I get stuck on why "blame" matters so much to people. I don't see how it's relevant. Whatever the cause of my issues, the only thing that's important is how I can fix things. Unless identifying who or what is to blame identifies the cause, and therefore the solution, it's just a distraction.
I think that is a healthy perspective to have, and close to where I am now at. but I have noticed that when in the throes of nervous system dysregulation, we are very sensitive to being blamed, especially for things which we haven't actually done, as it triggers that self-critique and survival instinct (the risk of being ostracized from the tribe, which would have been lethal) and are also fast to blame others for our own troubles (part of McGilchrist's left brain-hemisphere over-activation). Do you have an article on your perspective I could read?
I can only add that children will take on the blame for whatever bad they are being told they are —- it is shame - ir shaming - but to the child it is safer to take the blame than to fear for one’s survival from a parent say.
I don't unfortunately. But maybe it's something I should write at some point. I just think that if one is concerned about blame, the question to ask oneself is "why?" Why does blame matter and how does assigning blame improve your predicament?
Perhaps because in anxious people, uncertainty is difficult to tolerate and externalising or internalising a cause 'locates' it and so removes uncertainty?
It's incredible we live in an age where autonomic is not automatic, and the brain can actually change its shape and form. But forgetting even kids for a moment, most adults right now, most suffering adults, don't know any of this stuff... I have been accused of acting like I'm in a cult when I talk about this stuff...! Lots of mystery still surrounds it and many decades, until there is universal acceptance.
I have seen it getting more mainstream in time [sorry to hear you got pushback on it... got kicked out of a lot of PD groups early on for talking about it], but agree that there is still an awful long way still to go, and the reason I suggest starting afresh with the kids is because it seems too late for the older generations sometimes...
I think 16M adults who have or experienced long covid are prime for the educating! Thats why I keep talking about this healinvrse, a term i made up but I think is going to drive new advancements in how we talk online and use the metaverse or Web3, because so many people starting with WEBMD are turning to more and more sophisticated ways of research to help them leave better lives, and its a group effort as well, collaborative, peer to peer, it will be about making these ideas even more dimensional, instructional with the web3 layer, but I digress :)
Thanks for this gentle reminder! When I am having a particularly difficult day with my chronic illnesses, I tend to blame myself for being ill (even though I know that's logically incorrect) because it gives me the illusion of some measure of control over something in my life. When in fact, the more valuable control I have is that somatic environment (I can consciously relax/distract myself by putting on music or ASMR, by touching something soft or taking a soothing shower, etc.)
Thanks for interacting! Yes, holding ourselves to too high standards and a need to control everything seems to be part of the pattern for us folks with chronic illnesses. I recently returned to something I wrote a while back which really speaks to this.
"One of my major themes of interest right now concerns common patterns of behaviors and personality traits in those of us who go on to develop movement disorders and chronic illnesses, all of which I now see as coming under the umbrella term "Nervous System Dysregulation". My evidence is not clinical, but is gleaned from talking and sharing of experiences with hundreds of people who have or have had such health issues themselves, from all over the world. In other words, it is gleaned from the real world of people like me, and it comes from asking the right questions which haven't been postulated before.
What I've found in the background histories, time and again, is that in many of those of us who become "dysregulated" or "disordered" have in the prelude to our health issues, tended to make ourselves into Mighty Oaks trees, isolated and standing alone in a field. The origins of this seems in many cases to arise in the acorns of rejection, abandonment and unrequited love. In order to protect ourselves from such harms in the future, we become fiercely independent, black belts at emotional "self-defence". We take on more and more responsibility on to our own shoulders, (in the very mistaken idea that by gathering Power to ourselves, we can take more control of our own lives), we begin to refuse to accept or ask for help from others and become the worlds worse delegators.
We make ourselves "strong" and "unbreakable", but we also make ourselves top heavy in the pursuit of taking on more and more in the mistaken belief we can control the world around us this way.
]
We isolate ourselves, pushing others away, so we grow alone in the field, instead of in the safety of the forrest surround by others who could support us. We become more determined, more set in our ways, and we do feel stronger as we grow.
Then the hurricane comes. An event we have no control over. We don't break. We are uprooted wholesale. We simply fall over.
I have said many times now that there can be no chemical cure for those of us with such disorders and diseases, and I sincerely believe that, because its just a sticking plaster fix for the true origins of our health problems, which lie in such patterns of behaviour.
In my conversations with others, I see two major outcomes in people with Nervous System Dysregulation symptoms, and these outcomes depending markedly on attitudes.
The first outcome is rapid decline, as in those of us continue to fall over and for whom the Oak begins to rot from the inside most rapidly. This tends to be truest in those of us who simply want to return to our old lives, to keep going exactly the way we were before. It usually therefore involves a very rigid sense of self, a holding on to their Oak personality for dear life, with a very strong sense that this aspect is their true self, and indeed is something to be celebrated.
In my view and understanding, a chemical cure in this case would simply be the unnatural uprighting and replanting of the unsupported Oak Tree. But if nothing has changed in this resetting it simply stands to reason when the next hurricane comes again, the Oak will simply fall over again. But now, already made susceptible to falling over, it won't take a hurricane this time, perhaps just a gale.
The second outcome is in the getting better, partial recovery, living well with the disease, slowest decline or being happy anyway. The common factor in all of the people I know who are like this is that they have realized the folly of the Oak. They know they cannot simply stand up in the form they were before.
They have all gone through a process of change, of evolution, and they're all evolving in to Willow Trees, in the heart of the forest. They accept help and support of others around them. They seek out water and nutrients. They become flexible in nature. In short, they not only embrace change in themselves, but learn to bend with the wind of changes which they have, and can never have, any control over."
I hope not, although I have enough of the information, I have gotten stuck in freeze, some flight and fight. I am in my head as a default (heard this is a trauma response). It may not be difficult to do a self regulating exercise but I think the underlying pattern, established in infancy or before I bet, probably needs the somatic relational piece to begin to rewire.
Thanks Gary for this bit of your story. In my own experience, it was certainly helpful to understand that the state of my NS scripted my life in good amount. And that there may be a tendency to repeat unsafe scenarios so the NS keeps its job, so there is in one direction, developmental/familial dysregulation -trauma and then secondary or complex trauma because if the system is wonky already, it probably won’t just right itself without intervention.
Maybe I will write about a kid I worked with using SSP. (Note: I have no idea how I became a writer here, but maybe the name, which is kinda cool, might help me get started)!!
I am so curious how this body of work is helping you.
Wonderful article! I so relate to what you wrote. I see it as being "programmed" starting early, and repetitively through various means. Life experiences, modeling, reinforcement from various sources, yet some may have been more valued than others during our lives, for survival's sake or feeling of belonging. So our ANS responds accordingly. I've had physical manifestations myself that I can see being a result of such accumulations. I wish I could have recognized ahead of time where they were headed. Too young early on though, when much damage was being done. So important to be aware of this and to use care.
Brilliant article Gary. We live in survival mode stuck in flight, fight or in the end as the brain and body can't take it anymore.... Freeze response and shut down. It is an automatic response to the fear yet if we are aware of this we can help ourselves through vagus nerve exercises, breathing, mindfulness meditation, yoga..... All things that will bring us back into Parasympathetic mode. When we are continually in the fear response our bodies physiologically change and we are on the road to illness. This stuff should be taught in schools as I think it would prevent a lot of diseases as stress is the no. 1 cause of all disease
Interestingly, I was going to write up my posts on fawn/appeasement, but ended up writing the one on music instead. Perhaps I will do that one next, In the meantime, here is perhaps the most interesting article I've seen on this https://medium.com/rae-x-nkem/when-agreement-is-not-consent-118e8d2f279e
Yes, very good take. I agree on the distinction between fawning and appeasement but feel it could be explained because fawning seems to concern an individual subjective - even innate - response, while appeasement is more expansive and a tactical, societal or institutional response?
I get stuck on why "blame" matters so much to people. I don't see how it's relevant. Whatever the cause of my issues, the only thing that's important is how I can fix things. Unless identifying who or what is to blame identifies the cause, and therefore the solution, it's just a distraction.
I think that is a healthy perspective to have, and close to where I am now at. but I have noticed that when in the throes of nervous system dysregulation, we are very sensitive to being blamed, especially for things which we haven't actually done, as it triggers that self-critique and survival instinct (the risk of being ostracized from the tribe, which would have been lethal) and are also fast to blame others for our own troubles (part of McGilchrist's left brain-hemisphere over-activation). Do you have an article on your perspective I could read?
I can only add that children will take on the blame for whatever bad they are being told they are —- it is shame - ir shaming - but to the child it is safer to take the blame than to fear for one’s survival from a parent say.
I don't unfortunately. But maybe it's something I should write at some point. I just think that if one is concerned about blame, the question to ask oneself is "why?" Why does blame matter and how does assigning blame improve your predicament?
Perhaps because in anxious people, uncertainty is difficult to tolerate and externalising or internalising a cause 'locates' it and so removes uncertainty?
It's incredible we live in an age where autonomic is not automatic, and the brain can actually change its shape and form. But forgetting even kids for a moment, most adults right now, most suffering adults, don't know any of this stuff... I have been accused of acting like I'm in a cult when I talk about this stuff...! Lots of mystery still surrounds it and many decades, until there is universal acceptance.
I have seen it getting more mainstream in time [sorry to hear you got pushback on it... got kicked out of a lot of PD groups early on for talking about it], but agree that there is still an awful long way still to go, and the reason I suggest starting afresh with the kids is because it seems too late for the older generations sometimes...
I think 16M adults who have or experienced long covid are prime for the educating! Thats why I keep talking about this healinvrse, a term i made up but I think is going to drive new advancements in how we talk online and use the metaverse or Web3, because so many people starting with WEBMD are turning to more and more sophisticated ways of research to help them leave better lives, and its a group effort as well, collaborative, peer to peer, it will be about making these ideas even more dimensional, instructional with the web3 layer, but I digress :)
Thanks for this gentle reminder! When I am having a particularly difficult day with my chronic illnesses, I tend to blame myself for being ill (even though I know that's logically incorrect) because it gives me the illusion of some measure of control over something in my life. When in fact, the more valuable control I have is that somatic environment (I can consciously relax/distract myself by putting on music or ASMR, by touching something soft or taking a soothing shower, etc.)
Thanks for interacting! Yes, holding ourselves to too high standards and a need to control everything seems to be part of the pattern for us folks with chronic illnesses. I recently returned to something I wrote a while back which really speaks to this.
"One of my major themes of interest right now concerns common patterns of behaviors and personality traits in those of us who go on to develop movement disorders and chronic illnesses, all of which I now see as coming under the umbrella term "Nervous System Dysregulation". My evidence is not clinical, but is gleaned from talking and sharing of experiences with hundreds of people who have or have had such health issues themselves, from all over the world. In other words, it is gleaned from the real world of people like me, and it comes from asking the right questions which haven't been postulated before.
What I've found in the background histories, time and again, is that in many of those of us who become "dysregulated" or "disordered" have in the prelude to our health issues, tended to make ourselves into Mighty Oaks trees, isolated and standing alone in a field. The origins of this seems in many cases to arise in the acorns of rejection, abandonment and unrequited love. In order to protect ourselves from such harms in the future, we become fiercely independent, black belts at emotional "self-defence". We take on more and more responsibility on to our own shoulders, (in the very mistaken idea that by gathering Power to ourselves, we can take more control of our own lives), we begin to refuse to accept or ask for help from others and become the worlds worse delegators.
We make ourselves "strong" and "unbreakable", but we also make ourselves top heavy in the pursuit of taking on more and more in the mistaken belief we can control the world around us this way.
]
We isolate ourselves, pushing others away, so we grow alone in the field, instead of in the safety of the forrest surround by others who could support us. We become more determined, more set in our ways, and we do feel stronger as we grow.
Then the hurricane comes. An event we have no control over. We don't break. We are uprooted wholesale. We simply fall over.
I have said many times now that there can be no chemical cure for those of us with such disorders and diseases, and I sincerely believe that, because its just a sticking plaster fix for the true origins of our health problems, which lie in such patterns of behaviour.
In my conversations with others, I see two major outcomes in people with Nervous System Dysregulation symptoms, and these outcomes depending markedly on attitudes.
The first outcome is rapid decline, as in those of us continue to fall over and for whom the Oak begins to rot from the inside most rapidly. This tends to be truest in those of us who simply want to return to our old lives, to keep going exactly the way we were before. It usually therefore involves a very rigid sense of self, a holding on to their Oak personality for dear life, with a very strong sense that this aspect is their true self, and indeed is something to be celebrated.
In my view and understanding, a chemical cure in this case would simply be the unnatural uprighting and replanting of the unsupported Oak Tree. But if nothing has changed in this resetting it simply stands to reason when the next hurricane comes again, the Oak will simply fall over again. But now, already made susceptible to falling over, it won't take a hurricane this time, perhaps just a gale.
The second outcome is in the getting better, partial recovery, living well with the disease, slowest decline or being happy anyway. The common factor in all of the people I know who are like this is that they have realized the folly of the Oak. They know they cannot simply stand up in the form they were before.
They have all gone through a process of change, of evolution, and they're all evolving in to Willow Trees, in the heart of the forest. They accept help and support of others around them. They seek out water and nutrients. They become flexible in nature. In short, they not only embrace change in themselves, but learn to bend with the wind of changes which they have, and can never have, any control over."
I hope not, although I have enough of the information, I have gotten stuck in freeze, some flight and fight. I am in my head as a default (heard this is a trauma response). It may not be difficult to do a self regulating exercise but I think the underlying pattern, established in infancy or before I bet, probably needs the somatic relational piece to begin to rewire.
Thanks Gary for this bit of your story. In my own experience, it was certainly helpful to understand that the state of my NS scripted my life in good amount. And that there may be a tendency to repeat unsafe scenarios so the NS keeps its job, so there is in one direction, developmental/familial dysregulation -trauma and then secondary or complex trauma because if the system is wonky already, it probably won’t just right itself without intervention.
Maybe I will write about a kid I worked with using SSP. (Note: I have no idea how I became a writer here, but maybe the name, which is kinda cool, might help me get started)!!
I am so curious how this body of work is helping you.
Wonderful article! I so relate to what you wrote. I see it as being "programmed" starting early, and repetitively through various means. Life experiences, modeling, reinforcement from various sources, yet some may have been more valued than others during our lives, for survival's sake or feeling of belonging. So our ANS responds accordingly. I've had physical manifestations myself that I can see being a result of such accumulations. I wish I could have recognized ahead of time where they were headed. Too young early on though, when much damage was being done. So important to be aware of this and to use care.
Brilliant article Gary. We live in survival mode stuck in flight, fight or in the end as the brain and body can't take it anymore.... Freeze response and shut down. It is an automatic response to the fear yet if we are aware of this we can help ourselves through vagus nerve exercises, breathing, mindfulness meditation, yoga..... All things that will bring us back into Parasympathetic mode. When we are continually in the fear response our bodies physiologically change and we are on the road to illness. This stuff should be taught in schools as I think it would prevent a lot of diseases as stress is the no. 1 cause of all disease
You might also consider the last response: fawn. Much of the worlds population seem to be in that state now.
Interestingly, I was going to write up my posts on fawn/appeasement, but ended up writing the one on music instead. Perhaps I will do that one next, In the meantime, here is perhaps the most interesting article I've seen on this https://medium.com/rae-x-nkem/when-agreement-is-not-consent-118e8d2f279e
Yes, very good take. I agree on the distinction between fawning and appeasement but feel it could be explained because fawning seems to concern an individual subjective - even innate - response, while appeasement is more expansive and a tactical, societal or institutional response?
lol that is a good analogy - I remember the film (and the book) - I see why it brought this to mind.