Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn... and Feud

At the Personal, Institutional and Societal Levels

Introduction

We have talked here before about “fawning” as a survival/stress instinct, a response which co-opts the social engagement functions of the nervous system so as to act servile/sub-ordinate/subservient to another as a self-preservation mechanism, especially when there is a power imbalance.

The Fawning and Appeasement Survival Responses

Something came up in a therapy session this week, and then synchronously in a song I heard, which made me think there may be an opposite to fawn... I thought “feud” would be an appropriate "f" word for it, but which also co-opts the social engagement functions.

Feud (Fighting Form)

Basically, the feud response to social stressors is to default to argumentation, but to argue in such a way that can never be backed down from, and never admit being wrong. Even if deep down the feuding person knows they are wrong, they will still be able to lie to themselves, and convince themselves they are right.

This feud response involves the social engagement functions because it recruits some of the five or so cranial nerves that Dr Stephen Porges calls the “Ventral Vagus Complex” of the nervous system, including those for the vocalization, for tuning the middle ear muscle to listen to human voices [in order to hear and respond to counter arguments], and possibly the accessory nerve for moving the head to signal disagreement.

Here are the lyrics to the song I heard which eloquently describe this form of the “feud” concept [Paul Young’s “Everything Must Change”]:

“I was never one to back out of an argument

And say I was wrong

Even when I`d seen the other side

I`ll hide my foolishness and carry on

But still I`d be embarrassed

Cause they see what happened

And they`d play along

Until I back myself into a corner

I`ll only realize when they`re gone”

In the extreme form, the person will keep going over and over the argument in their head even after the person has left, and pounce on them to continue the argument when they come back.

Feuding can be ongoing and never-ending in very toxic, contemptuous and disdainful relationships, i.e. it can become the default pattern of such relationships.

I think we probably all know people who reflexively resort to this “feud” mode? It describes my own experience of myself in my life before diagnosis, as I covered in my The Beast Within article.

Is this is a bona fide stress response or instinct in a similar vein to “fawn”, or is it just a blend of the standard fff stress responses? What is the adaptive nature of this mode, and how does it increase survival chances?

I asked for some feedback on this over on facebook. Some of the thoughts which came up include that several folks linked this type of behaviour to narcissism, or that it gives a sense of power, or it is about boundary setting, arises in situation where showing any weakness could be an existential threat, or from a need to be seen and heard, the need to reconnect, to find agreement, to persuade someone to be in your tribe.

I personally also see Dr Laurence Heller’s trauma survival styles strongly at play, especially the pride-based counter-identifications, or defences, which we develop in reaction to not allowing ourselves to feel underlying shame. These are ego ideals that reflect how we would like to see ourselves or want others to see us. Paradoxically, the more energy we invests in our pride-based counter-identifications, the stronger the shame-based identifications become.

Personality Types, Traits, Tests and Chronic Illness

I can also see Dr Iain McGilchrist’s over-activation of the left brain hemisphere’s way of attending to the world at play. Recall, the left hemisphere is utterly convinced it is correct, can never admit it is wrong, and will make things up/delude itself rather than admit it is at fault.

Feud (Flight Associated Form)

Another suggestion which came up was that there is a form of feud which has more the flavour of flight. This is the opposite to picking arguments: it is to react with the cold shoulder or silent treatment, to refuse to even listen to what the other person has to say and refuse to have any discussion. Those who default to this form of feud have a tendency to cut people off, or shut them out, without even explaining why, and to sometimes keep this up for days or years or forever.

I tried to find a separate “f" word to describe this type of response, but could not, and decided it wasn’t completely separate from feud anyway, more just a mirror of the fighting form. I did find a good list of words which describe it though: avoidance, boycott, exclusion, excommunication, exile, expulsion, isolation, rejection, shunning.

I do think that the fighting and fleeing forms of the feud have strong correlations with the seek and hide, respectively, patterns we have discussed before.

Hide or Seek Stress Responses

Feud at the Institutional Level

I am always interested how these stress responses scale up to the institutional and societal level.

The View From a Self-Traumatizing Society

At the institutional level, I think it is clear that certain institutions attract and self-select folks who like to default to the fighting form of feud. This especially includes politics, academia, the law, and the media. Unfortunately, this means these institutions become more about proving points and winner arguments at all costs, rather than truth seeking or doing the best for the people they are supposed to serve. This sets bad examples, normalizing such behaviour and making it more acceptable.

The flight flavoured version of feud arises when the institutions refuse to listen to the people they are supposed to serve, and ignore their pleas.

Feud at the Societal Level

As the feuding types of behaviour scale up from individuals to institutions, to society at large, I see it as contributing to the breakdown in public discourse, and the increasing partisanship, tribalism and divisiveness we are seeing everywhere.

Decline in Public and Scientific Discourse

The flight form of feud appears to be central to certain ideologies that have arisen which have a refusal to discuss and “no debate” as core tenets. Cancel culture is a prime manifestation of this form of feud at the societal level. The increasing moves towards censorship are perhaps also manifestations.

As a specific, stark example, of this, I think we saw both the fight and flight forms of feud very active in the extreme at the societal level during the pandemic, egged on by the divide-and-rule feuding institutions.

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